Today I was asked by a friend “how long should someone wait to date after a break up”? My answer was simple, it really depends on the person and how much time they feel they need to process things. Break ups are hard, plain and simple! They mess up your heart, they mess with your emotions, and it messes with your self esteem. One day you feel like you’re fine and everything is peaches & cream and the next day you vow to never love again. One day you’re shaken your ass off to “single ladies”. The next day you’re crying your eyes out to “Someone like you’. Last but not least, one day you’re screaming out “F**K IT, SOME PEOPLE DON’T KNOW A GOOD THING WHEN THEY HAVE IT”. The next day you’re wondering if something was wrong with you. The pain from a heartbreak is unfortunate but necessary; you need to take some time to process your thoughts, your feelings, and emotions. You also need time to think things through and see how you may have contributed to the break up, as well as, what you have learned about yourself in the process. No one is perfect and when a break up happens it’s normally not one sided, both parties contribute to the overall breakdown of a relationship. Sometimes one does a little bit more than the other but, nonetheless, both contribute. When you break up and also when you’re dating someone who recently broke up with someone you want to avoid having the following places in this person’s life:
THE BACK UP PLAN
Sometimes when people see the end is near, they purposely look for someone new while their still in a relationship. They meet someone and they slowly ease their way into their life, you may get a call every once in awhile and you may have a few dates here and there, but your relationship or the condition upon which you date that person will be contingent upon their break up with someone else. If the break up happens, you’ll get a call and they will have small talk with you and then ask the magic question, are you still single? Avoid making someone a backup plan because you are still emotionally wounded from the previous relationship . The backup plan then becomes your emotional punching bag and this person will have to deal with the ramifications of you not processing your shit effectively.
THE SEAT FILLER
If you notice, when you watch the various awards shows and they flash to the audience you never see an empty seat when the stars are back stage preparing for perfomances. Why? Because the producers hire people called seat fillers to sit in the seats so there’s never an empty seat on the camera, they fill a void. The seat filler is the person you get with to fill a void in your life. Some people honestly do suffer from the “I don’t know how to be alone syndrome” they need people in their life to help with their self esteem and also so they won’t have to deal with the pain of a break up. They internalize many of their feelings and simply refuse to deal with their emotions and feelings head on. They then find someone new or an ex who they know isn’t necessarily good for them just so they can feel better. The problem is they never really feel better and unhappiness becomes a part of their everyday life. You cannot use someone to fill a void in your life. You become emotionally unhealthy and in the process make others emotionally unhealthy. If you’re not happy alone, you won’t be happy with someone else.
Last but not least, it is important to process because all break ups are not permanent. When you’re in love it’s like looking at someone with a blind eye, but when you break up you truly start to see a person for who they are and you may actually realize that either this person is the one for you or in the long run it was a blessing in disguise. Honestly, it is my belief that people become ex’s for a reason and unfortunately people rarely change, especially when drama in involved. You may get back together and the BS may lay dormant for awhile but somehow it always resurfaces.
Both scenarios have one common theme they are used to fill a void. The difference between the two is you can actually work things out and have feelings in the backup plan scenario if their willing to stick it out with you. The Seat Filler rarely has a chance because the person involved refuses to deal with shit at all. This leads to unhappiness and emotional unavailability. The plan is to not use someone as a rebound and not be someone else’s rebound. I cannot stress this enough, break ups are a MOTHERF*$%ER, for lack of better terminology and when we talk to friends and family everyone has a viewpoint. You end up feeling worst and unfortunately they can cause you to make some not so smart decisions as well. If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, see a therapist to help you process your feelings and your emotions. Take all the time you need until you feel you’re ready. I don’t know a person alive who doesn’t want a healthy fulfilling relationship at some point in their lives, but in order to obtain this you have to take care of self….. Mind, body, and soul.
People say the best way to get over somebody, is to get under somebody new……but in some cases, it’s not that simple.